Peanut Butter Is A Dangerous Substance
by borndancer
Summary: An innocent day in L's Apartment turns into all of the death note characters having a war over peanut butter. CRACK FIC


**Peanut Butter is a Dangerous Substance**

**Summary: An innocent day in L's Apartment turns into all of the death note characters having a war over peanut butter.**

**LOL New Fanfic and actually not twilight. Oh my ........ Credit to Hannioo and my other weird friend Rosemary/Kira. This fanfiction was their idea. They had this idea at 3.30am in the morning over the Christmas break. **

* * *

"Light!!!!! You Is Here"

Misa came bounding into the room, running towards Light who was sitting comfortably on a small chair in L's apartment. Also in this typical accommodation in Japan were Matt, Mello, Near and Mikami, who was standing against the wall in the corner.

All of a sudden a flash of white rushed towards the large sofa, which was situated in the middle of the room, peanut butter jelly sandwich in hand.

"Oh, my, god Near, how can you eat that, it has no chocolate in it"

Mello's mouth was hanging open. How could Near eat anything that didn't contain chocolate was a mystery to him.

As Near slowly lowered the sandwich into his mouth, a gigantic glob of peanut butter fell onto his big toe. The whole room watched in silence as part of Near's foot was covered in the tawny coloured, edible, substance.

Next Near did the completely unexpected.

He grabbed his foot, and inserted carefully, with complete concentration, his foot into his mouth.

"Near, what the fuck are you doing?"

"gehin ehnu uh-er oh ma oh. Oveeulee." He took his foot out of his mouth. "You try..."

Near put a dollop of peanut butter onto Mello's foot.

"Near I hate peanut butter. GET. IT. OFF. NOW."

"Do you want me to lick it off for you?"

"What the hell? No. NEAR GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY TOE!" Mello kicked the white-haired kid in the face to get him away from the rather unpleasant experience he was about to encounter. So Mello grabbed his own foot and copied Near's technique. But he couldn't quite reach...

"I CANT REACH .... Damn you short legs"

Mello looked over to Near, who was laughing quietly in the corner still eating his peanut butter jelly from his big toe.

"I WILL NOT ADMIT DEFEAT"

"LOL feet"

"Shut up Matt, you are not helping"

Suddenly L burst into the room. Like a rhinoceros.

"I smell peanut butter... PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME"

"L What the fuck?"

"Sorry Mello"

He crept slowly back into his corner, sitting in his usual pose. But this time armed with a pot of strawberry jam. Taking note of how Near was doing it, L dropped a big spoonful of strawberry jam onto his big toe, just like Near and Mello, and began licking it off.

*** Meanwhile in another part of L's Apartment ***

**MAPOV**

Nyeow ............. BANG!, To the left a little and ... POW POW POW

"Hi Matt, would you like a coffee"

Oh great, Misa. Perfect. Just when i was so close to completing this darn level on my game, that annoying, clingy girl has to come and plonk herself next to me and ask me if i want fricking coffee.

"Misa. If i wanted coffee. Don't you think i would have asked you"

"So you do want coffee'"

"Urghh i don't care Misa, i am busy if you cannot tell"

"Oh .. Okay Misa understand, I be quiet now"

Thank god that girl has _some _brain cells.

...

POW POW POW ..... That's it Matt just a little bit longer and you have beat the game .... BANG BANG BAN..

"What type of coffee does Matt-kun like?"

You must be kidding me

"Misa i am busy here, I DON'T CARE"

I felt her weight lift off the sofa that i was sitting on, to toddle off to the kitchen i suspect. I didn't care to see where she went. My game was much too important. Ahh final fantasy ....

Only a couple more minutes and the game would be finished at last.

"Matt-Kun I bring your coffee"

She ran towards me, coffee in hand still. My eyes left my game for a second before returning and deciding to ignore Misa.

"Matt I have your Coffee"

...

"Matt-kun Coffee"

....

"Coffee Matt-ku....."

I flailed my arms above my head in exasperation.

"I don't want any fricking coff-...."

Oh Shit

Why the hell did Misa have to stand so fucking close. I watched eyes like saucers as the contents off the coffee cup in Misa's hand flew down onto my game.

...

...

...

...

The whole room turned around to stare at us, trying to figure out how i was going to react, if i was react. Hell i was 'gonna react but first i needed to pause my game. Wait ... my game. MY FUCKING GAME. I looked down slowly at my pride and joy. My poor poor POOR game boy advance. And i was this close to beating it as fricking well. The console was lying at a guilty Misa's feet with brown splodges all over it, sparks fizzing from various parts.

"MISA I FUCKING HATE YOU SO EFFING MUCH"

"I . I . ... I'm so sor.."

" STFU MISA I'M SPEAKING"

Wait a second, maybe the game wasn't broke. I leaned down to pick my game up hoping that it wasn't completely ruined. Unfortunutly it was.

"Mello please can you pass me your gun"

"Can't you see i'm busy Matt _trying _to own Near yet again with my big toe"

"MELLO THIS IS NOT A TIME TO BE PLAYING GAMES ITS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER"

"But you were just playing on your game"

"Mello just pass me the gun"

"Okay"

I grabbed the gun from Mello and began shooting the console that was now in my hand

This could take a while

-------------------------------------- 10 minutes later -----------------------------------------------

"STUPID, **bang **GOOD FOR NOTHING, **bang **RIDICULOUS, **bang** UNBELIEVABLE, **bang** LAUGHABLE, **bang **FOOLISH **bang**

Matt was still shooting his game boy advance. No one had dared to interrupt him. Until Mello that is.

"Urghh Matt"

"WHAT?"

"Your Console is burning"

"No it isn't"

"Well it sure looks like it to me"

"Na, just must be the fluorescents"

"That smoke coming off it, distinctly resembles flames to me"

"LOOK, I'll shoot it again to prove to you, that it isn't on fire"

Matt didn't realise until he had shot his game for the last time, that there was a giant hole in the middle of it.

The bullet from the gun that Matt was holding flew through the air at incredible speed, through the bullet shaped hole and into the unexpected arm of Mello. Who was now glaring death at Matt.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH Shit Matt what was that for"

"What the hell, I shot you?"

"Looks that way"

"But how.."

He glanced down at the burning console, eyes widening every second.

"SHITTTT FIREEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Matt dropped the console quickly not bothering to notice that he was standing on a faux fur rug. That by the way was pretty damn flammable.

"Oh my god Mello i am so sorry .... i love you please don't die"

"Don't worry i won-....... WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE MATT , THE WHOLE FRICKING RUG IS ON FIRE AND THAT IS THE ONLY THING IN THIS STUPID LITTLE PRIVATE ROOM IN L'S BLOODY APARTMENT"

"Urm .. sorry i guess"

"You'd better hope the fire kills both us, because if it doesn't then you'd better fucking wish you get out of this room before i do"

Much to Matt's relief and Mello's dismay the whole room gradually caught fire and Matt and Mello unfortunutly passed away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile in the lounge

Near and L were sitting on the couch chatting, while Misa was chasing after Light with Mikami still in the corner.

"L, do you think there's something going on between Mello and Matt they seem to have been an awfully long time in your private suite, i thought Mello was just borrowing Matt his gun."

"I would say there's a 69% chance that there is some sort of relationship between Mello and Matt"

"Hi everyone"

Matsuda strolled in through the door, a cheerful grin plastered on his face. That was untill he noticed the fire that was eating away the west wall of the apartment, and the also disturbing sight of L and Near with their toes in their mouths.

"Okay I'm 'gonna go now"

....

"Holy mother of god there's a fire in your apartment, L"

"So there is light, so there is. "

**I could probably add more to this but my writers block has taken off D=**

**le sigh **

**Okay**

**Random Crack Fic**

**:)**

**You might see more death note fics from me in the future**


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